Revenge, by Allyn Carmen

(Copied from the CD-L carriage driving email list.)

A couple of weeks ago someone put up a "revenge" story, and here's one of my favorites:

My husband Norman is a wonderful husband, tremendous father, and a redneck son-of-a-, uh, -gun. Marcia Patterson, a CD-L lurker (she says she doesn't know what to say, but I think she just can't type) grew up with Norman and fondly remembers pine cone battles at the schoolbus stop (take a moment to visualize that one). What I remember most about Norman when we were growing up is that he always roped me at the horseshows. Unless you've ever experienced a "7/16 poly medium lay" glancing off of your hat brim and settling across your face, you can't possibly understand how annoying this man was as a 12-year-old.

28 years later:

We ship our cows to and from our summer range in "Blue" a 66 foot long 1972 Freightliner truck and trailer, which is, frankly, the ugliest vehicle in California. The cows thrive on the rich, succulent spring grass, which coincidentally is something like 90% water. The cows have "what goes in must come out" down to a fine art. Well, there's no graceful way to say this other than to just tell it how it is: in the spring, Blue is 6" deep in what can only be described as smelly green pancake batter.

Well, a couple of springs ago, on a gorgeous sunny day, this obnoxious sports car kept trying to go around - you know the type: following too closely, weaving back and forth, and wholly rude. As we pulled into town at the stoplight, he roared up in the shoulder on my side, expecting to use the intersection and light to win his little war and impress the girlfriend sitting alongside. He indicated how he feels about agriculture with his middle finger.

Bad idea. Norman is watching in his off-side mirror.

I sit in the passenger seat, a non-participant, like a UN observer in the Gulf, watching the spectacle unfold before me.

I hear "That's it, I'm gonna green pinstripe this sonofabitch."

I hear Norman skip a gear down, and pull the wheel hard left.

40,000 pounds of cows shift right.

It wasn't very neat - I think when we refinish my cart, I'll do the pinstriping.

Did I remember to mention that the sports car was a convertible?

And if you meet Norman at the west coast CDE's this year, don't tell him I told you his truck is ugly.

Last updated: 11/08/01